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Troubling Issues — No Comments
02
Mar 26

When Progress Stalls

Mom-and-Girl-Talk-on-Bed.jpg“You may feel as though your teen could still benefit from being in therapy longer, yet they may need a break.”

Perhaps you are like me and are always pushing for more improvement in your teen’s condition. If your child became ill at an early age, you have probably been directing their treatment. Yet, as teens become young adults, they may not want to follow your recommendations any longer. This can be frustrating for parents who are accustomed to helping. But I’ve learned a secret. Often, our teen is making progress and we don’t even realize it.

Perhaps your teen has quit therapy and you feel that they should go back. They may simply need a break. Some people benefit from therapy more than others do, and your teen may believe they need to live their life and put what they have learned into practice. Give them some time and allow their brain to continue maturing. Think back to when you were their age. Did you really have it together that much better than they currently do? Even “normal” teens go through times when they do not appear to be maturing much.

Keep in mind that growth is uncomfortable. When your teen was ill, they were struggling to grow into the demands of the illness. Following a “growth spurt” teens need time to feel in-control and comfortable about handling the demands of life. A period of time where they feel a sense of competency is important.

Finally, it helps to think about what your teen was doing six months ago compared to what they are currently doing. You may be surprised to discover that they really are doing some worthwhile things. If, on the other hand, they are playing video games all day and never going out of the house, you will know that it is time to challenge them.

Getting Help / Troubling Issues / Uncategorized — Comments Off on Can Your Therapist Be Wrong?
28
Nov 25

Can Your Therapist Be Wrong?

WhoToTell.jpg.jpg“Once the therapist understands your position, you can both broaden your perspective.”

For many parents, hiring a therapist for their teen is a big step. This is especially true if you’ve never been in therapy yourself. You may not understand how therapy works or you may worry it will be a doorway to new conflicts and resentments. The goal of therapy is to make things better. Sometimes that requires the examination of unpleasant feelings so that they can be resolved. But what if your therapist makes a recommendation that feels flat-out wrong to you?

Your therapist is human and therefore may have missed some factors in making a recommendation. Ask yourself these questions about your therapist:

Does Your Therapist Understand Your Family’s Culture?

If your therapist comes from a different culture or religion, they may not understand certain family norms. Granted, these values may be worth examining and even modifying, but first make sure your therapist understands that they exist. Don’t be afraid to say, “That goes against our family’s beliefs.” On the other hand, be prepared to listen. Maybe some of those beliefs are worth modifying.

Does Your Therapist Understand Your Family’s Economic Restraints?

Therapists may make recommendations that are simply not financially realistic. For example, you may be able to afford your therapist’s recommendation that your teen attend a particular summer camp, but if that would mean no vacation for the rest of the family, it’s not reasonable. Don’t be afraid to say you can’t afford it.

Does Your Therapist Understand Logistical Constraints?

A therapist once recommended that we send our son to a charter school for the arts. It was an hour from home each way and we lived across the street from a nationally-recognized high school. We weren’t even in the charter school’s district, so we would have had to move. Don’t be afraid to say no to an idea that would only create new stress.

Does Your Therapist’s Recommendation Feel Wrong?

Sometimes therapists recommend that parents step back and let their teen do what they want. The hope here is that the teen will develop greater independence and maturity and learn from their mistakes. Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen. Then ask yourself how different that would be from ordinary life. For example, your teen wants to drive across the country with a friend. They could get in a car wreck. How is that different from them driving to their part-time job on the freeway three times a week? On the other hand, if you know your teen’s road partner drives drunk or high, you have a strong argument against the idea.

Tell your teen you want them to try new things and that you need them to work with you to create a plan that is comfortable for you. Often, teens see your “no” as not wanting them to have fun until you explain that you are afraid for their safety. Once they understand that you love and care about them, they can be surprisingly compassionate–and creative about solutions.

Has Your Teen’s Therapist Assumed Too Much Authority?

You hired a professional for a reason. You want that person to be knowledgeable, experienced, and to make a positive difference in your family. But your therapist is not the new head of your family. You do not have to go along with every suggestion. If their suggestions begin to look more like mandates, don’t blindly follow along. Talk about your own feelings. Once the therapist understands your position, you can both broaden your perspective. In the rare case that the therapist is inflexible, it may be time to look for someone new.

 

 

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