“Hope can replace anger.”Anger is a natural emotion when we are suffering and lack the resources to figure out our next step. The next time your teen is venting, ask them if they are angry at the illness.This may get a conversation going about their feelings. Try these tips to help guide your teen toward acceptance and resolution of the illness.
Be Understanding
If we can remember that our teen is fresh out of childhood where life was simple and fairness was emphasized, their anger is understandable. This may be the first traumatic, life-changing event they have ever encountered. They may not feel equipped to deal with the harsh reality facing them. With therapy and improvement of the symptoms, this will change. They will come to see that they can cope and that strategies make a difference. Meanwhile, it can be tremendously soothing for them to hear you say, “I’m sorry you’re going through this, honey. You don’t deserve it.” We all want to feel understood.
Offer Perspective
If your teen is bemoaning their bad luck, gentlyremind them that every day, people deal with everything from sickness to divorce to death. It is a part of life, but they get through it. Tell them that they will get through the crisis just like everybody else gets through theirs, and that they won’t be going through it alone. Just as all good things must come to an end, so must all bad things.
Assemble Support
Your teen may be so distressed about their sickness that it seems like they are refusing to do anything to help themselves. Now is the time to teach them the value of trust, or, if your family is religious, faith. Remind them of the things that they have going for them. It may be their church, a close friend, a neighbor, or a grandparent. Perhaps they are lucky enough to have a loving and stable family. Ask them who they trust to help get through this. If they are refusing to take medicine, ask if they trust the doctor; similarly, ask if they think their therapist is trustworthy. They may be surprised to realize that they actually can trust these individuals.
Help Assess
If your teen refuses medicine, won’t speak to a therapist, and is making life miserable for themselves and everyone around them, ask them to consider their options. They have an illness that doesn’t appear to be going away on its own, so what does that leave them with? List her options (kick the dog, throw away her homework, snap at a sibling, slam the door, tell a friend to leave them alone). Ask if any of these things will help them with their problem. If not, then what might help? Don’t suggest anything. Let them identify some things. If they say there is nothing, tell them that you think they can probably come up with some things if they think about it. Then give them time to think.
Back off a Little
If you have been closely involved with your teen’s illness, trying everything imaginable, and they don’t seem to appreciate your help (perhaps that is a painful understatement!), you may need to quietly step back for a while. Sometimes, the more work you do, the less your teen needs to try.
Break Down Problems
Your teen may feel overwhelmed, particularly if their problem involves not only mental symptoms but also consequences such as trouble at school or with the law. It may be all too much for them to deal with. It may help them to number their problems in order of severity. Their list may look something like this:
- I’m really depressed
- My medicine isn’t working and I’m frustrated
- I have no friends
- I’m failing in school
Ask your teen to tackle the first problem or two first. Using our example, the two of you might admit that neither of you have done a good job of remembering when they should take their medicine. Tomorrow you will buy a seven-day pill pack to help keep track of doses. You can even set up alarms on your cell phone. This way, both of you will know that you have given the medicine a fair chance.
Your teen may also remember that they wanted to do some physical activity each day. Help them work this into their schedule. Rate their depression each day to see if there is any improvement. Bringing your teen’s attention to something they can do right now will make them feel less overwhelmed.
Address Their Darkest Fears
It’s possible that your teen has not yet shared with you just how frightened they are. They may have a classmate who committed suicide or they may be afraid that they will end up like their aunt who has the same diagnosis. Once they have voiced these fears, explain that things will be better for them. Suggest that they withhold judging the situation until they have more information about the illness. Point out all of the helpthey are getting and name the people who are trying to help. Hope can replace anger.
“Therapists are often surprised to hear a parent mention details that the teen didn’t happen to share with her. A good therapist will invite you in periodically to describe what is going on at home.”