“Remember that parental love is the strongest and most resilient bond that exists in nature.”If you cannot accept your teen’s diagnosis, know that you have company. It can be hard to see an illness that previously did not exist in your child. You wish you could go back in time and do whatever it would take to prevent it from taking hold. The popular theory today is that most of these illnesses are genetic and therefore become “unlocked” at a particular age. Maybe you feel like it would not have occurred if you had done things differently. For example, you may feel that the strain of your divorce pushed your teen over the edge, causing the illness to manifest. I suggest you remain open to the possibility that even if the divorce had not occurred, your teen’s illness may have still progressed in the very same way.
My son’s first depression was a brief but noticeable episode at age ten. I helped him work through it, but I did not take him to a therapist or a doctor. Later, I believed that if I’d gotten him professional help right away, his next episode would not have been so severe. I fantasized about being able to go back in time. I would have taken him to the pediatrician, who surely would have recommended therapy. Then he would have had someone to turn to when the depression returned. It is at this point in the fantasy that I realize things probably would have turned out similarly. Help would have started sooner, but we would not have let him take medicine until it seemed truly necessary. We were too afraid of the drugs in those days. We certainly would never have guessed that he had bipolar disorder. I have accepted the fact that we did the best we could and now need to focus on the future.
There are stages in grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance. They can occur out of order and one can subside only to recur later, even momentarily, after you have reached the point of acceptance. My fantasy of going back in time was a form of bargaining. I spent plenty of time on the other stages too, but I did eventually reach acceptance. If the diagnosis is something permanent, like schizophrenia, don’t assume that your teen will turn out to be like Uncle Harry who shuffled around the neighborhood talking to himself. Today’s medicine and therapy are far advanced from that of the past, and the medicines are getting better all the time. You have information on the Internet and books on the subject. There are support groups available for yourself and your teen. With time, you can expect more improvement, although it may not happen according to your timeline.
But perhaps I’ve missed the point. Maybe you really can’t accept this. It may be that you feel differently about your child now. This is not uncommon, and therapists are used to helping parents work through this state. If you don’t have a therapist for yourself, see if you can speak privately to someone who is working with your teen. Sometimes your teen’s own therapist will give you a one-on-one appointment. It is important that you resolve this issue, both for your sake and your teen’s. They need you more than ever now, and if you resent them for being ill, you will substantially reduce their odds of recovery. Look through old photographs of your child. They are still the same person and you still love them dearly; otherwise, you would not be so torn up about the diagnosis.
Remember that parental love is the strongest and most resilient bond that exists in nature. No, life isn’t turning out to be exactly the way you dreamed it would be, but it seldom does. I know this is the hardest thing you have ever had to face, but you can do it.
“Your teen must learn new coping skills to replace the self-injury behavior until it is no longer needed.”