“Therapists are often surprised to hear a parent mention details that the teen didn’t happen to share with her. A good therapist will invite you in periodically to describe what is going on at home.”Do you trust your teen’s therapist? It’s an important question to ask because sometimes parents find it hard to turn so much responsibility over to a stranger. But if you can honestly say that you trust the therapist, try to back away and let her and your teen work alone. She will alert you if they are in danger. This may not give you much comfort. Till now, you’re used to knowing everything that goes on with your child. But let’s face it: did you really? It’s natural for everyone to keep some things private. At least now, your teen is confiding in someone.
I remember a few years ago when my son asked me to increase his appointments from every three weeks to weekly for a while. Somehow, I managed to just nod and not ask why. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I reminded myself that at least he was confiding in a qualified professional. It was a major step forward for me as a parent.
The caveat to giving your child and the therapist privacy, of course, is that if you never participate, the therapist won’t have the whole story. Therapists are often surprised to hear a parent mention details that the teen didn’t happen to share with her. A good therapist will invite you in periodically to describe what is going on at home. If you feel like the next appointment would be a good time to fill her in, simply call ahead and ask for a few minutes at the beginning or the end of the session, or ask her for some time at the appointment. Once you’ve done your bit, excuse yourself by saying something like, “I’ll let you two take it from here.” The therapist needs to help your teen process the meeting.
Try not to put the therapist in the position of settling an argument between you and your teen. She may be able to clarify things for both of you, but she’s unlikely to act as arbiter. If she does point out to you the merits of your teen’s thinking, try not to be offended. Yes, you’re the mom, but it may pay to consider what she has said. Consider too, the fact that she wants to maintain your child’s trust in her. Be assured that her training enables her to incorporate your viewpoint into her treatment approach. So when you come in, try to present your concerns in a specific, factual manner without looking to blame anyone. Your teen will feel so much more comfortable.
After the session, it can be tempting to ask your teen, “What did you and Sally talk about?” A therapy session can be exhausting and your teen may just want to set it aside afterward. You may interpret a grunt to mean that something serious is going on. Try to let it go. Better yet, try not to ask the question at all. If your teen knows that a question-and-answer session will follow the appointment, they may decide it’s easier to withhold information from the therapist than to try and cover up an uncomfortable topic later with mom.
“…choose a few effective and tolerable interventions and then stick with them…”