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Caring for Your Hurting Teen / Troubling Issues / Uncategorized — Comments Off on Your Teen’s Anger at the Illness
09
Feb 26

Your Teen’s Anger at the Illness

Teenager“Hope can replace anger.”

Anger is a natural emotion when we are suffering and lack the resources to figure out our next step. The next time your teen is venting, ask them if they are angry at the illness.This may get a conversation going about their feelings. Try these tips to help guide your teen toward acceptance and resolution of the illness.

Be Understanding

If we can remember that our teen is fresh out of childhood where life was simple and fairness was emphasized, their anger is understandable. This may be the first traumatic, life-changing event they have ever encountered. They may not feel equipped to deal with the harsh reality facing them. With therapy and improvement of the symptoms, this will change. They will come to see that they can cope and that strategies make a difference. Meanwhile, it can be tremendously soothing for them to hear you say, “I’m sorry you’re going through this, honey. You don’t deserve it.” We all want to feel understood.

Offer Perspective

If your teen is bemoaning their bad luck, gentlyremind them that every day, people deal with everything from sickness to divorce to death. It is a part of life, but they get through it. Tell them that they will get through the crisis just like everybody else gets through theirs, and that they won’t be going through it alone. Just as all good things must come to an end, so must all bad things.

Assemble Support

Your teen may be so distressed about their sickness that it seems like they are refusing to do anything to help themselves. Now is the time to teach them the value of trust, or, if your family is religious, faith. Remind them of the things that they have going for them. It may be their church, a close friend, a neighbor, or a grandparent. Perhaps they are lucky enough to have a loving and stable family. Ask them who they trust to help get through this. If they are refusing to take medicine, ask if they trust the doctor; similarly, ask if they think their therapist is trustworthy. They may be surprised to realize that they actually can trust these individuals.

Help Assess

If your teen refuses medicine, won’t speak to a therapist, and is making life miserable for themselves and everyone around them, ask them to consider their options. They have an illness that doesn’t appear to be going away on its own, so what does that leave them with? List her options (kick the dog, throw away her homework, snap at a sibling, slam the door, tell a friend to leave them alone). Ask if any of these things will help them with their problem. If not, then what might help? Don’t suggest anything. Let them identify some things. If they say there is nothing, tell them that you think they can probably come up with some things if they think about it. Then give them time to think.

Back off a Little

If you have been closely involved with your teen’s illness, trying everything imaginable, and they don’t seem to appreciate your help (perhaps that is a painful understatement!), you may need to quietly step back for a while. Sometimes, the more work you do, the less your teen needs to try.

Break Down Problems

Your teen may feel overwhelmed, particularly if their problem involves not only mental symptoms but also consequences such as trouble at school or with the law. It may be all too much for them to deal with. It may help them to number their problems in order of severity. Their list may look something like this:

  1. I’m really depressed
  2. My medicine isn’t working and I’m frustrated
  3. I have no friends
  4. I’m failing in school

Ask your teen to tackle the first problem or two first. Using our example, the two of you might admit that neither of you have done a good job of remembering when they should take their medicine. Tomorrow you will buy a seven-day pill pack to help keep track of doses. You can even set up alarms on your cell phone. This way, both of you will know that you have given the medicine a fair chance.

Your teen may also remember that they wanted to do some physical activity each day. Help them work this into their schedule. Rate their depression each day to see if there is any improvement. Bringing your teen’s attention to something they can do right now will make them feel less overwhelmed.

Address Their Darkest Fears

It’s possible that your teen has not yet shared with you just how frightened they are. They may have a classmate who committed suicide or they may be afraid that they will end up like their aunt who has the same diagnosis. Once they have voiced these fears, explain that things will be better for them. Suggest that they withhold judging the situation until they have more information about the illness. Point out all of the helpthey are getting and name the people who are trying to help. Hope can replace anger.

 

Caring for Your Hurting Teen — Comments Off on Preventing an Emotional Relapse in Your Teen
02
Feb 26

Preventing an Emotional Relapse in Your Teen

Teenager“Get your teen talking about recovery. Can you help them name five things they did right this time?

Once your teen recovers from an emotional illness, it can be scary to think about the possibility of a relapse. Sometimes as a teen improves, the parents’ concern diminishes and their expectations increase. This alone can trigger a setback or relapse. The teen may find it too difficult to be well. Ask your teen if they are feeling overwhelmed by their own recovery and if there is anything you can do to make it less stressful.

Is It Sadness or Depression?

Begin by helping your teen identify if there is a specific cause. Sometimes a teen who has been through a long depression is unable to discern between feeling depressed and feeling sad. They may think they are relapsing and becoming depressed again when, really, they are simply sad or disappointed due to a recent event. It can be a relief for your teen to realize that they can feel sad without it signaling a return of depression. Similarly, stress over an upcoming exam may be nothing more than what every other high school student is experiencing. They will come to learn that negative emotions are a part of normal life and are not necessarily a danger.

Relapse versus Setback

If, however, it seems that your teen is experiencing some of the symptoms they did when they were ill, contact the psychiatrist. Growing teens experience many physical and emotional changes and may need their medicine adjusted. Occasionally, a previously reliable medicine will stop working altogether. Watch closely while you wait for their psychiatry appointment. The early signs are often subtle and barely detectable to the patient or parent. If you think you are catching the symptoms early and it looks like your teen is relapsing, point out the difference between a setback and a relapse. With relapse, the patient ends up back where they were at their worst. With a setback, the patient regresses a little. Tell them that you and the therapist will help them to capitalize upon the skills they have learned so that they can quickly get back on track. Help them to maximize their odds of success by limiting any unnecessary stress in their life. Even postponing something like starting orthodontia treatment can provide the extra breathing room they currently need.

Get the School Involved

Notify the school immediately, even if your teen is not missing any school. Once alerted, the staff can work with the teachers. If it looks like your teen will miss a substantial amount of school, the counselor or caseworker may set up an individualized education plan (IEP) to form a plan of action for keeping them from getting too far behind. At home, remember to maintain your teen’s medicine log, recording as much detail as possible. It may help to review past episodes to remind yourself that setbacks eventually end.

Maintain Perspective

If your child does end up in full relapse, you have my sympathy. It is painful to relive the old feelings of confusion and fear, especially if your teen is back in the hospital. Although it can feel like failure, it is important to realize that a return to the hospital signals that serious healing has commenced. It may help to think of it as a booster shot, a necessary treatment to maintain wellness. It is not uncommon for someone with bipolar disorder or schizophrenia to require two or three days in the hospital once a year. If you think about it, it’s not much different from being laid up with a cold or a sinus infection.

Capitalize Upon Past Experience

Take heart, and point out to your teen all the things they have in their favor that they did not have last time. They know how the hospital treatment program works. They may have a working relationship with a good therapist. You have learned how to best help them. Encourage them by saying that you are more educated than you were before and that together they will get through it much quicker this time. There is an old saying that all good things must come to an end. All bad things must end too. There will be more good days soon.

Stay Positive

As your teen improves, remain watchful. Even though the worst of the symptoms are under control, your teen may be discouraged about their illness and contemplate suicide, especially if they have had more than one relapse. For example, a patient with chronic schizophrenia may recover from a hard relapse only to find themselves dreading the next. You may be feeling discouraged yourself, but for the moment, there is still work to do. Get your teen talking about recovery. Can you help them name five things they did right this time? The two of you might point out to each other new things you have learned, whether it is a feature of the illness or a strategy for taking their medicine at a more effective time. Acknowledging the fact that you made it through before and learned more about how to manage the illness should be encouraging for both of you.

Resume Activities

If your teen is free of symptoms but spends a lot of time complaining about having a mental illness and not being like other kids, it may be time to challenge them. Resuming a former activity such as music lessons or chores will take their mind off their anger and make them feel more in control of their life. Start off small and slowly build the expectations. Say encouraging things like, “You made it through your whole music lesson. Nice work.”  If your teen rebuffs your compliments, try the indirect approach, by describing the accomplishment to your spouse or a grandparent when your child is present. While I’m on the subject of motivating your teen, I highly recommend reading Bringing Out the Best in People, by Alan Loy McGinnis. This short book will give you quick insight into what to say to your teen to keep her feeling inspired and appreciated.

How You’ll Get Through It

Don’t forget to take care of yourself. If your boss is sympathetic, let her know that a relapse has occurred and that you expect things to go more smoothly this time. If your boss is not understanding and you have some vacation time, it might be a good idea to take a couple days off so you can meet with hospital staff, your family therapist, and the school. Try to do something nice for yourself during that time, whether it’s going to a movie or buying a magazine and a latte. It is often times like these that we most appreciate a close friend or relative who always knows the right thing to say. Indulge and unburden yourself, then remember to thank her the next day.

Recommended Books

Adolescent Depression: A Guide for Parents, by Francis Mark Mondimore MD
When Someone You Love Has a Mental Illness, by Rebecca Woolis, MFT
Bringing Out the Best in People, by Alan Loy McGinnis

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