“Encourage your teen to learn as much about the illness as they can face.”The word grief implies that there is a loss, and in your teen’s case, it may be a loss of the innocence associated with their health condition. Most teens never expect to experience mental illness; in many cases, they have never before heard of their diagnosis. The very word “bipolar” or “schizophrenia” may cause them to recoil. They do not want to be that person and they believe they cannot deal with this. The route from grief to acceptance is painful and difficult, but there are ways to ease the journey.
Addressing your Teen’s Stigma
Many teens carry a stigma about mental illness even if they were never before aware of it. Explain to your teen that stigma is the result of ignorance and is overcome through education. Encourage them to learn as much about the illness as they can face. This might include reading an autobiography or perusing articles online. There are some helpful magazines published solely for the benefit of people with, say, schizophrenia. This literature will help your teen to normalize the illness. Sz Magazine is an outstanding magazine for patients with schizophrenia. BP Magazine is also an excellent publication and is for sufferers of bipolar disorder. Your teen may be willing to volunteer at your local chapter of the National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI). This will help them to feel like they have control over their illness and they will meet other people who are helping the fight against stigma. You may want to volunteer for NAMI yourself to show your support.
Addressing your Teen’s Self-Image
If your teen feels that their diagnosis changes who they are, ask why. If they say something like, “Now I’m a person with bipolar disorder,” ask them to list how that makes them different from before the diagnosis. They may say, for example, that they are now a person who sees a psychiatrist and a therapist and who takes medicine; that they are a person who has fewer friends and has given up on an activity that they once enjoyed. Then ask them what is still the same; for example, they may still drive, attend school, enjoy the support of a loving family, take pleasure in music or reading science fiction, and more. Try to get this second list as long as possible. This may help your teen see that they are still the same person. Try not to let them focus on blanket notions such as, “I’m bipolar.” Having bipolar disorder does not comprise a person’s entire being.
Beyond that, remind your teen that people are always changing, especially during the teen years. Even if they had not become ill a year ago they would still have changed in some ways. See if they can identify something new that they would like to try. What would they like to accomplish and get out of the next year? See if you can get them to set some concrete goals. This will give them a sense of control over their life.
Helping Your Teen Compartmentalize Grief
If you find that your teen is crying every day about the diagnosis, tell them you understand but then suggest to them that they choose a specific time of the day to grieve as deeply as they want and to fight the feeling the remainder of the day. For example, they may need to go to their room and cry for half an hour after coming home from school. This could be a helpful stress reliever. When they are finished, they should come out and do something that makes them feel better.
Helping Your Teen Maintain Friendships
A mental illness can temporarily derail a teen’s social life. If they find that they have lost ground in this area, now might be a good time to evaluate their friendships. Some of their friends who have drawn away from them may be worth pursuing and others may not. If they have been involved in a negative friendship and the illness has strained things, they may choose to let the friendship go. A life-changing illness can be just that, but the changes may be for the better.
If they are trying to keep up but do not have the energy to go out much, they may be able to use Facebook to keep up with friends. They may find it easier to go to a movie with friends than to the mall, which requires more conversation. If your teen finds themselves so changed that they can no longer relate to former friends, suggest that they embrace their new self. They are more sophisticated about life now and they will need to find teens with a similar depth of understanding. They may meet such teens in a yoga class or in the school’s drama club or newspaper. Encourage them to try a few things and to take their time choosing new friends. This will be especially important if they have been hurt or abandoned by former friends. Tell them that many people will want to befriend them and that now they have a good idea of what they are looking for in the people that they meet.
Helping Your Teen Understand the Right to Privacy
It may be in your teen’s best interest to hold off on telling new friends or acquaintances about their illness. After all, their illness is simply one part of who they are. Let friends get to know the other, more interesting, parts first. Till now, your teen may have never experienced the need to maintain privacy in an area of their life. Empower them with that option now. Let them know that they do not owe anyone an explanation for what they are going through and that they have nothing to apologize for in terms of the illness. It is an important step toward adulthood.
Helping Your Teen Deal with her Loss of Innocence
All of this talk of embracing change may seem positive, but your teen may still be struggling with the end of innocence. At some point, we all go through this, but in your child’s case, it happened brutally and unexpectedly. Suggest that they give themself some time to let their emotions catch up to what their mind now knows. For whatever reason, humans are able to understand facts quicker than they can feel okay about them. A useful nighttime exercise is to have them write down or think about five things that are good in their life right now. Do not be surprised if their therapist or psychiatrist is one of them. Gratitude has a way of soothing pain. Slowly, they will begin to see that life still offers them opportunities and that their illness will not be able to hold them back for long.
Meanwhile, encourage them to keep their schedule as full as possible. Busy people do not have time to dwell on things that are out of their control. Finally, reassure them that they have probably been through the worst part of the illness and that things can only get better. Let them know that as they continue to improve and their symptoms continue to subside, the illness will gradually become a smaller, less significant part of their life.
“Hope can replace anger.”