“As hurt as you feel, your teen is also deeply pained at disappointing you.”One of the most uncomfortable circumstances for parents is to be angry at the person they love the most–their teen. Perhaps your teen has let you down, maybe stolen from you or been abusive to you. You are hurt and angry and wonder if you will ever be able to forgive them. One of the toughest concepts to grasp regarding mental illness is that the symptoms are behavior-based. Most of us feel that our behavior reflects our beliefs, and it can be difficult to accept that your teen’s behavior may have been beyond their control.
If you and your teen are working with a therapist, it will be important to listen carefully to the therapist when he tries to work through the circumstances that led to your teen’s behavior. Your teen may say that they were angry and could not control their temper. Or maybe they showed poor judgment and behaved recklessly. Try to look for clues that may point to a diagnosis, such as depression or bipolar disorder. Depression can actually be expressed as anger, especially in boys. Reckless behavior may hint at bipolar disorder. Unfortunately, a clear diagnosis may not emerge for some time. While you are waiting to better understand your teen’s behavior, participate in therapy as much as you can and begin collecting clues. If you can afford to hire a family therapist just for yourself, you will be able to reconcile your mixed feelings over your teen sooner.
If your teen has been given a diagnosis, you have a helpful starting point. Read all you can about the illness. In time, you are likely to have an epiphany or two. Slowly, you will come to understand that the pain that your teen has caused you has an explanation. That does not mean that they should not take responsibility for their actions.Your teen’s therapist can teach them new skills for managing their anger or other feelings. Be patient during this time. As hurt as you feel, your teen is also deeply pained at disappointing you. Try to let the past go and look to the future. If you do need to discuss any disturbing behavior, speak in terms of the behavior and not your teen. For example, avoid saying, “You’re a bully for hitting your younger brother.” This labels the teen and they may take on that identity. Instead say, “When you hit your younger brother, it hurts him and upsets me.”
Let your teen know that forgiveness is a possibility. If they think that there is no hope of winning back your approval, they will have no reason to try. Praise them when they do something you like. Compliment them on a positive feature, even if it is just that they are completing their weekly laundry.
During this delicate healing time, try to continue some pleasant family traditions that are not likely to cause stress. It can be something as simple as Friday night pizza with a favorite family movie. If you are wondering where your sweet child went, pull out some old family albums or videos. This will help you to get back in touch with your loving feelings for your child. They may sit down and join you. If you have other children, be sure that they feel included too. It is tempting to put all of your energy into the “sick” child (after all, we have limited energy!), but you do not want to penalize your “good” child. Above all, remember that your teen wants reconciliation as badly as you do.
“Therapists know that comfort level is the most crucial qualification and will not take it personally.”