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Fostering Wellness and Growth / Troubling Issues — Comments Off on The Bank of Mom and Dad: Strategic Funding vs. Financial Rescue
08
Dec 25

The Bank of Mom and Dad: Strategic Funding vs. Financial Rescue

Teenager“Often, when our kids call us in a state of emergency, it seems as though money is the only solution.”

One of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is independence. It builds self-esteem and confidence while we achieve the benefit of knowing that they will be able to look after themselves when we’re gone. But many parents with grown children feel like they have become the Bank of Mom and Dad, frequently being asked for loans or handouts. If your child struggles with a mental illness, you are at an increased risk of finding yourself in this position.

The issue of giving money to your kids is highly personal and every family’s dynamics are different. The main thing I want to encourage you to do is to ask yourself if you’re giving money because it is a well-thought-out choice or if you’re doing so because your grown child is in trouble. There’s a world of difference between strategic funding and financial rescue.

Strategic Funding Financial Rescue
Non-emergency situation Emergency situation
Time to think about it Immediate decision required
Agreement between parents Parents may not agree
There is value in the expenditure The expense wipes out a problem or fills a desire

With respect to the last item, value implies that something good will come of the expenditure in the future; for example, investing in a college course or training program that will help the young person get a job. Medicine or therapy are similar examples of valuable expenditures. The converse of this would be paying off your adult child’s court fine (wiping out a problem) or providing rent money because your adult child took a vacation he or she could not afford (desire).

Strategic Funding

As the name implies, strategic funding is well-thought-out. It does not occur on a case-by-case basis but, rather, is carefully planned. Part of that planning includes considering the contribution of the grown child. Here is the strategy I recommend:

Step #1: Assess Your Own Finances.  How much money can you give your child and for how long? Please do not overlook the latter part of this step. There is a difference between six months and some indefinite period of time that could potentially never end.  Establish an end date.

Step #2: Prioritize Needs. The top priority should be maintaining mental health with a goal toward as much independence as possible. There are several options for providing therapy and medicine.

Under Age 26: You can add her to your own insurance as a dependent. There will be the expense of a premium and co-payments for doctor’s appointments and medicine, but you may feel that this is a wise investment.

Eligible for COBRA from a previous job: You may agree to cover these payments. COBRA is expensive though, and there will still be co-payments for psychiatric and therapy appointments.

State agency: Do not be discouraged if they tell you there is a long waiting period or that a lengthy evaluation period is required. The sooner you help your child get started, the less lost time you’ll face down the road. Your child may also be eligible for Supplemental Security Income (SSI), Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI), or Medicaid.

If you need to pay cash for mental health, discuss this with the professional. Many will adjust their fee based upon what you can afford. Make sure payment goes directly to the doctor or therapist. Also, ask the psychiatrist to consider prescribing generic medicine first since it will be more affordable. If your grown child refuses to accept mental health care, there is not much you can do. But they may come around.

Step #3: List and Prioritize Expenses. If your child has any assets to sell or any savings, insist that they participate in their own salvation by using this money to pay for as many expenses and debts as possible. Moving into less expensive housing can help, but don’t let it be your house.

Step #4: Legal Matters and Debts. Your child should pay for any debts or legal fees they incurred. Let your adult child pay these off directly–do not involve yourself by paying them off and then expecting repayment.

Step #5: Come up with a Grand Total. That way you will know how much you are investing in the project.

Financial Rescue

In the case of financial rescue, the question of need is usually put to the parents in a crisis scenario. Your daughter calls and says she must come up with $1,200 by tomorrow. She signed a lease on an apartment that she was to share with a friend, but the girl moved out after they had an argument. The landlord is demanding the money or he will evict her.

Often, when our kids call us in a state of emergency, it seems as though money is the only solution. More, your grown child seems so grateful when you write that check, so determined to do things right from now on. Or she promises to pay you back at the end of the month, and you feel good because the crisis is resolved. But at the end of the month, she’s short on cash. Now it seems like she’s the one doing you a favor.

One interesting feature of this dynamic is the subtle resentment that builds in the grown child. Some parents interpret it to mean that their offspring doesn’t think they are doing enough, but I think the resentment has a different source. I believe adult children deep down resent their parents for not believing that they can take care of themselves. For the parents who thought they were helping, it is a no-win situation.

If you want to stop being the Bank of Mom and Dad, there are ways to graciously extricate yourself from that role while granting your grown child the opportunity to become self-reliant. Note that I used the word opportunity. You cannot make your child self-reliant; but you can provide the opportunity.

How to Stop Giving Money to Your Grown Child

Parents sometimes find they can’t refuse requests for money because otherwise their child will be angry with them. It is a selfless act to be able to tolerate a period of estrangement while we allow our children the chance to mature and become adults. It can be strikingly like an addiction: you know you should stop; you regret it later; but somehow, you always find yourself giving in. Or maybe you simply can no longer afford to keep giving.It helps to prepare a few key phrases for the next time a request comes in. For example, “I can’t afford to give/lend you money anymore” or “I know you’re smart and resourceful; you’ll figure something out.”

Be prepared to repeat yourself quite a bit. That’s okay as long as you get your message across. If you can’t bear to say any of the preceding phrases, insist upon taking a day to think about it. If your grown child can’t wait a day, know that you are indeed being played to react to the cry of emergency. Resist.

You will need support if you are going to take this courageous stand, so be prepared. You may be able to find support from a friend, your spouse, or a support group. Keep in mind that if you’ve been giving your son or daughter money, you have been complicit in the arrangement. It’s okay to tell yourself and even your child, “I’ve made a mistake in the past by giving you money when I know you’re capable of taking care of yourself. I need to stop.” Just remember that you are abruptly changing the rules, so your child may initially feel abandoned. Continue to provide plenty of emotional support and encouragement. But stick to your guns. If your child wears you down, the message will be that if they’re willing to debase themselves enough, you’ll give in.

The Trouble with Lending Money

Every time you lend your teenager or grown child money, you deprive them of the opportunity to behave in a mature, responsible manner. This can be as innocent as giving your fourteen-year-old an advance on their allowance. You are establishing a precedent. At some point or some sum of money, you will need to explain that the Bank of Mom and Dad is closed, and it won’t be pleasant. In general, I recommend against lending money because it leads to over-dependency and resentment.

Another reason to resist lending is that you may need repayment in the future but not be able to collect. Many parents are postponing their retirement until a grown child can repay a debt or come off of their payroll. Your first financial responsibility is to yourself.

But let’s say you can afford to help your child out financially. There is a way to do this without incurring the preceding problems. I will explain this next.

Sometimes Giving is Warranted

Sometimes offering financial help to an ill child is warranted, particularly if they are doing all they can. For example, let’s say your daughter is twenty-four. She was fine until six months after she graduated from college. She had her own apartment and worked full time at a job she loved when she suddenly became paranoid. Heartbreakingly, she was diagnosed as having schizophrenia. Over the past two years, she has been taking medicine, but she is far from being the person she used to be and is able to work only fifteen hours per week at a low-paying job. Still, she sees her therapist weekly and actively participates in her own treatment, driving herself to her monthly psychiatry appointments. You have chosen to let her live with you because she is respectful and helps around the house. If your situation is anything like this, I hope that this article hasn’t caused you to doubt what you are doing. You are absolutely right to help your daughter out. She has taken responsibility for herself and is doing her best. I’m sure you’re proud of her efforts.

The Bottom Line

If you decide you want to start doing things differently, take the time to think it through.  This article may have stirred up some indignation on your part. If so, try not to lash out at your adult child. Remember, you want to be calm, firm, and clear. If you feel guilty about withdrawing or withholding money, consider that a little guilt is a small price to pay for living healthier. Along with the guilt, you may encounter an unexpected emotion: disappointment. The sense that you are not really needed may be more overwhelming than the guilt. But you can do this. It’s a wonderful last gift from mom and dad.

Facing Your Teen’s Illness — Comments Off on What Do you Tell People if Your Teen is Emotionally Ill?
26
Nov 25

What Do you Tell People if Your Teen is Emotionally Ill?

Teenager“Sometimes, teens have suppressed their depression for so long that once they realize they’re ill, they go from telling nobody to telling everybody.”

When my son was hospitalized for depression, we realized that people might wonder why he was absent from school. I made some blunders, confiding in people who I thought would understand but who reacted with either a thoughtless remark or a quick departure. I have found that the best course is to provide just a little information and see how the person responds.

For now, avoid confiding in anyone whom you know likes to gossip, even if you think they will understand. Word passes quickly and sometimes people need to talk about distressing things that they don’t understand without intending any harm. In no time at all, the news can travel from a neighborhood mom to the kids at school.

Encourage your teen to talk about their struggles to you, their therapist, and teens in their support group, if they have one. Sometimes, teens have suppressed their depression for so long that once they realize they’re ill, they go from telling nobody to telling everybody. This is especially true if they have been in a peer-to-peer treatment program and have come to rely upon other teens who understand. However, when they return to school, the kids there may not understand at all. They may handle it insensitively or avoid the teen altogether.

If you find yourself resenting the need to hide what is going on, I understand. We shouldn’t have to conceal emotional problems. But keep in mind that many otherwise kind and compassionate people have no experience with mental illness. We are still in the dark ages with brain diseases. Try to be forgiving and move on, doing only what is best for you and your family. Remember, you can always tell somebody later, but you cannot take it back.

If You Choose to Conceal the Illness

It may be easier than you expect to conceal your teen’s illness, especially early on while you’re getting your bearings. Simply say that your teen is ill. We did this in our family and I was surprised at how well people respected the simple statement. Absolutely nobody pressed for more details. If someone does push you, say something vague like, “You are so kind to ask about Joey. I’m sure he’ll be back in school soon.”  If necessary, feel free to simply say, “It’s private. I hope you understand. Thanks for your concern.”

Should you Tell Your Relatives?

Relatives may have an especially tough time with the news that a child is struggling mentally. Since you are the most important person on your child’s treatment team, you have to ask yourself this question when considering whether to share the news with close relatives:

Is their reaction likely to be helpful or unhelpful?

If you think your relatives will be supportive and helpful, go ahead and tell them. If you think they may be critical or unsympathetic to your teen, hold off for now. If you aren’t sure how they’ll react, give it a little time. My husband and I decided to hold off on telling our parents, partly because we didn’t know exactly what was wrong and partly because we didn’t want them to worry. A year or so later, when our son was doing well, I let them know what had happened. The choice is yours and your spouse’s. You may choose to tell one set of parents and not the other for the time being.

One advantage of telling the grandparents is that they may be able to give you a more complete family history. You may be surprised to learn that one of your relatives has battled depression or bipolar disorder, for example. You may even hit the jackpot and get the name of a medicine that worked for the ill relative. Families share a similar biology and often benefit from the same medicine, so share the details with your teen’s psychiatrist.

Confiding in Professional Acquaintances

It is generally safe to confide in teachers, your child’s pediatrician, and your spiritual leader because they adhere to confidentiality standards. When my son was ill, his youth minister visited him in the hospital, and she was a great source of support for me too. If you have a friend who is a therapist, she may be willing to lend a listening ear while following her own code of ethics regarding confidentiality.

Coworkers or your boss fall into a different category. These individuals may resent you being out of the office because your teen is ill. It is an unfortunate reality that sympathy tends to be in even shorter supply when the illness is something like depression. If you will need to miss work on a regular basis and you feel it is best to prepare your boss, tell him the minimum amount necessary. For example, if you have to take your son to a therapy appointment every Thursday at 3:00 p.m., say something like, “I’m dealing with a family matter that will require me to be out of the office every Thursday from 2:30 to 4:30. Can I skip lunch that day and work an hour later?” If your boss knows what to expect, he or she will not be left wondering when you will next disappear or show up. If your boss seems sympathetic and you want to provide more information, you can say, “My son is going through a bad time and I want to support him emotionally.”

If you Have Told the Wrong Person

Not everyone can handle the news of a mental illness well. If you regret telling someone, try to be compassionate. Yes, it is a lot to ask, but it will do you no good to stew over the unkind things someone inadvertently said. When I went through this, I would mentally picture all of the people who had been helpful to us, from friends to teachers to mental health care professionals. That helped me to shake off the pain and move on.

Dealing With Gossip

If you and your teen have decided to keep the illness private and people are gossiping, you may feel violated. A two-step approach is helpful here. First, try to understand that the gossip may not be intended to hurt you. It could simply be that gossiping makes the person feel important or helps her to think of problems other than her own. Second, approach the person and politely ask her to please stop. The second step may sound simpler than it is. You may be afraid that the person will try to deny it or become angry. With the right approach, this need not occur. Simply call the person and say, “It got back to me that you told someone about the problem my son is having. We’re trying to keep it private, so I hope you don’t mind me asking you about it.” If she denies saying anything, say, “Thank you for reassuring me. I really appreciate your discretion. I won’t trouble you any further.” She will get the point. If she expresses anger (about anything), say, “I’m sorry I upset you. That wasn’t my goal. Thank you for listening, and I’ll let you go now.”

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