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Caring for Your Hurting Teen — Comments Off on Caring for Your Mentally Ill Teen
11
Mar 26

Caring for Your Mentally Ill Teen

Mom shows confidence in daughter“The teen who is going through a difficult time emotionally may tire easily, become confused, or get frustrated. You can help by maintaining an air of quiet encouragement.”

If only mental illness were like strep throat: you feel terrible for a few days, you take medicine, and a week later you’re back in shape. Recovery from mental illnesses is slow, measured more in months than in days. Fortunately, there are many things you can do to hasten your teen’s recovery.

Show Some Confidence

At this early point, it is easy to feel like things are out of control, but try to show your teen that you are confident about their recovery. Save the tears, anger, and self-flagellation for the therapist or for private moments with your spouse. On the other hand, it is okay to admit to your child that you’re worried. If they say they’re angry about it all, you can confide that you too feel angry that this is happening to them. Here is an example of what I mean:

Her: Why is this happening to me, Mom?

You: I don’t know why, honey. I honestly never expected something like this. I admit that I’m very worried. But I have a lot of confidence in the people who are helping us. We’ll get through this.

Her: I saw you crying last night. Admit it, you think I’m losing my mind.

You: I’m sorry you saw that. I have had some tough moments. It’s hard for a parent to see her child suffering.  But I don’t believe for a minute that you’re losing your mind. I want you to know that Dad and I are working together to get you the care you need. We’ll get through this.

Note the repetition of, “We’ll get through this.” Sometimes there is nothing more to say. Don’t feel that you have to have all the answers.

Managing Your Home Environment

Now for the good part: the things you can do to promote your teen’s recovery. The brain heals and becomes regulated by routine. Get your teen to wake up and go to bed at the same time each day. Establish a routine and have them stick to it, eating meals, exercising, and doing schoolwork at the same time each day. They will rely upon your encouragement in the early days of treatment. It can be a slow and discouraging process, particularly when a medicine trial does not go well. Reassure your teen that you intend to do everything you can to help them get well.

Meanwhile, keep the household calm and quiet. Try to serve dinner at the same time each day. Cut everything out of your schedule that you possibly can so that there is less irregular activity (besides, you need to trim your own obligations in order to take care of yourself). If you are in the habit of shouting questions to your kids, try to stop. Instead, go to them directly and speak in a normal tone of voice. If conflict is a regular part of life in your household, you may want to address it now while you have the benefit of a family therapist involved. Many families find that they become stronger when a crisis such as this occurs.

Avoid Teasing and Sarcasm

Emotionally ill teens do not perceive sarcasm or teasing the same way that we do. Their pain is always at the forefront, and everything you say to them gets filtered through that tender layer. When my teens were depressed I was astonished to find them taking what I had said literally. When I tried to explain that I was joking, they became confused and hurt. Having a teen with a mental illness can make you a better communicator.

Get Your Teen Talking

The most powerful thing you can do during this time is listen. If you are in the habit of lecturing or criticizing, your child’s recovery will be considerably delayed. I don’t mean to sound sanctimonious. After years of knowing better, I still have to work to keep the negative tone out of my voice and to avoid lecturing. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, and your child is still expecting you to be you. But why not go for an even better you? I recommend that you allow yourself to do ten percent of the talking and let your child take the other ninety percent. Maybe you’re thinking that your house will be awfully quiet with a ratio like that. But think about it: the more you talk, the less they have to speak, and you need to know what their symptoms, fears, and needs are if you are to help. One of the best ways to get your teen to talk is to reflect back what they say.  If they say, “I’m sick of hearing you and dad fight,” you can say, “It sounds like our arguing is causing you a lot of stress.” It might encourage them to further explain how they feel.

If your teen does open up and start talking, congratulations! Keep it up by saying things like, “I’d like to hear more about that.” They may very well oblige you. Don’t be afraid of long pauses. If you speak too soon, you cut off the possibility of hearing what else they have to say, and this is where the good stuff often lurks. If they finish a heated explanation and you’re quiet, you leave the door open for more. You’ll be amazed at what else you can get from your teen by just patiently waiting for more.

One thing I’ve learned about talking to kids is that they often hear the first sentence and then tune the rest out. So make that first sentence count.  Better yet, make it your only sentence. Then they’ll really remember it.

Consider Your Teen’s State of Mind

The teen who is going through a difficult time emotionally may tire easily, become confused, or get frustrated. You can help by maintaining an air of quiet encouragement. You may need to write things down for them each day. If their confusion is severe, help them prepare an index card each night, listing everything they have to do the following day. It is also wise to help them organize the books and assignments they’ll need the following day. A little planning on your part will help your teen have a better day. Eventually, they’ll be able to handle this themselves.

Caring for Your Hurting Teen / Fostering Wellness and Growth / Troubling Issues — Comments Off on Your Teen’s Grief Over a Diagnosis
06
Mar 26

Your Teen’s Grief Over a Diagnosis

Teenager“Encourage your teen to learn as much about the illness as they can face.”

The word grief implies that there is a loss, and in your teen’s case, it may be a loss of the innocence associated with their health condition. Most teens never expect to experience mental illness; in many cases, they have never before heard of their diagnosis. The very word “bipolar” or “schizophrenia” may cause them to recoil. They do not want to be that person and they believe they cannot deal with this. The route from grief to acceptance is painful and difficult, but there are ways to ease the journey.

Addressing your Teen’s Stigma
Many teens carry a stigma about mental illness even if they were never before aware of it. Explain to your teen that stigma is the result of ignorance and is overcome through education. Encourage them to learn as much about the illness as they can face. This might include reading an autobiography or perusing articles online. There are some helpful magazines published solely for the benefit of people with, say, schizophrenia. This literature will help your teen to normalize the illness. Sz Magazine is an outstanding magazine for patients with schizophrenia. BP Magazine is also an excellent publication and is for sufferers of bipolar disorder. Your teen may be willing to volunteer at your local chapter of the National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI). This will help them to feel like they have control over their illness and they will meet other people who are helping the fight against stigma. You may want to volunteer for NAMI yourself to show your support.

Addressing your Teen’s Self-Image
If your teen feels that their diagnosis changes who they are, ask why. If they say something like, “Now I’m a person with bipolar disorder,” ask them to list how that makes them different from before the diagnosis. They may say, for example, that they are now a person who sees a psychiatrist and a therapist and who takes medicine; that they are a person who has fewer friends and has given up on an activity that they once enjoyed. Then ask them what is still the same; for example, they may still drive, attend school, enjoy the support of a loving family, take pleasure in music or reading science fiction, and more. Try to get this second list as long as possible. This may help your teen see that they are still the same person. Try not to let them focus on blanket notions such as, “I’m bipolar.” Having bipolar disorder does not comprise a person’s entire being.

Beyond that, remind your teen that people are always changing, especially during the teen years. Even if they had not become ill a year ago they would still have changed in some ways. See if they can identify something new that they would like to try. What would they like to accomplish and get out of the next year? See if you can get them to set some concrete goals. This will give them a sense of  control over their life.

Helping Your Teen Compartmentalize Grief
If you find that your teen is crying every day about the diagnosis, tell them you understand but then suggest to them that they choose a specific time of the day to grieve as deeply as they want and to fight the feeling the remainder of the day. For example, they may need to go to their room and cry for half an hour after coming home from school. This could be a helpful stress reliever. When they are finished, they should come out and do something that makes them feel better.

Helping Your Teen Maintain Friendships
A mental illness can temporarily derail a teen’s social life. If they find that they have lost ground in this area, now might be a good time to evaluate their friendships. Some of their friends who have drawn away from them may be worth pursuing and others may not. If they have been involved in a negative friendship and the illness has strained things, they may choose to let the friendship go. A life-changing illness can be just that, but the changes may be for the better.

If they are trying to keep up but do not have the energy to go out much, they may be able to use Facebook to keep up with friends. They may find it easier to go to a movie with friends than to the mall, which requires more conversation. If your teen finds themselves so changed that they can no longer relate to former friends, suggest that they embrace their new self. They are more sophisticated about life now and they will need to find teens with a similar depth of understanding. They may meet such teens in a yoga class or in the school’s drama club or newspaper. Encourage them to try a few things and to take their time choosing new friends. This will be especially important if they have been hurt or abandoned by former friends. Tell them that many people will want to befriend them and that now they have a good idea of what they are looking for in the people that they meet.

Helping Your Teen Understand the Right to Privacy
It may be in your teen’s best interest to hold off on telling new friends or acquaintances about their illness. After all, their illness is simply one part of who they are. Let friends get to know the other, more interesting, parts first. Till now, your teen may have never experienced the need to maintain privacy in an area of their life. Empower them with that option now. Let them know that they do not owe anyone an explanation for what they are going through and that they have nothing to apologize for in terms of the illness. It is an important step toward adulthood.

Helping Your Teen Deal with her Loss of Innocence
All of this talk of embracing change may seem positive, but your teen may still be struggling with the end of innocence. At some point, we all go through this, but in your child’s case, it happened brutally and unexpectedly. Suggest that they give themself some time to let their emotions catch up to what their mind now knows. For whatever reason, humans are able to understand facts quicker than they can feel okay about them. A useful nighttime exercise is to have them write down or think about five things that are good in their life right now. Do not be surprised if their therapist or psychiatrist is one of them. Gratitude has a way of soothing pain. Slowly, they will begin to see that life still offers them opportunities and that their illness will not be able to hold them back for long.

Meanwhile, encourage them to keep their schedule as full as possible. Busy people do not have time to dwell on things that are out of their control. Finally, reassure them that they have probably been through the worst part of the illness and that things can only get better. Let them know that as they continue to improve and their symptoms continue to subside, the illness will gradually become a smaller, less significant part of their life.

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