Troubling Issues

Fostering Wellness and Growth / Troubling Issues — Comments Off on Is Your Teen Spoiled?
04
Jan 25

Is Your Teen Spoiled?

Teenager“Spoiling usually results from over-indulging or over-protecting our teen.”

How do you know if your teen is spoiled? Certain events can trigger an awareness in us. One mom said she realized her daughter was spoiled the weekend they spent at an out-of-town wedding. Her daughter refused to share a bed with her cousin and insisted upon standing beside her brother for photographs, even though she wasn’t in the wedding party. A dad said he realized his son was spoiled after he picked him up from a two-day camping trip. The boy complained about the habits of his fellow campers and pouted when he heard they were having roast beef instead of their usual Friday night pizza and wings. These wake-up calls tell us it’s time to make changes.

How Do Teens Become Spoiled and What Can You Do?

Spoiling usually results from over-indulging or over-protecting our teen. If that is you, take heart. It’s fixable. It is hardly a crime to try too hard. If your teen was ill for a time, it may have been necessary to take extra care of your teen for a while. The key is to make gradual changes and to always let your teen know what is expected of them. If you change the rules too suddenly or harshly, your teen will be caught off-guard, confused, and may feel humiliated or resentful.

If you suspect that your teen is spoiled, try to identify specific examples. If you’re inclined to, you can also identify some areas in which your teen is expressly not spoiled. This may take a few weeks of observation. What you are likely to find is that your teen is weak in one or two areas. For example, a spoiled teen may:

  • Expect you to handle the tedious or unpleasant parts of their life
  • Complain frequently if things don’t go exactly the way they want them to
  • Expect a lot from you and perhaps from others too
  • Seem to think they deserve special treatment
  • Want a lot of things and become unpleasant if you don’t deliver them
  • Show an unwillingness to do things for themselves, including working
  • Not care about the feelings of others

Think about the areas in which your teen needs to improve and tackle one at a time. Chances are, any changes you make will help with other areas as well. You will be more motivated to change if you choose something that currently bothers either you or another family member. That way, more than one person will benefit. In many cases, the change means simply doing less. Not buying them what they want. Not doing their laundry. Not doing things for them that they can do for themselves.

When your teen objects, simply smile and say, “I know you don’t like it. But we all have to deal with these things.” Ignore any tantrum-like behavior, including the silent treatment. Your teen needs you more than you realize, so tantrums are necessarily finite (plus they take a lot of energy).

Teaching Your Teen to Respect Others’ Feelings

If you want your teen to show more respect for your feelings, be a role model. Think about how you respond to your teen, your other children, and your spouse. If you sound respectful, it is reasonable to insist that your teen treat you the same way. If you think that you could both improve, make it a point to be more courteous. Your teen is likely to catch on.

Sometimes teens who have been through a deep depression become accustomed to having their feelings looked after. Family members, the therapist, and even teachers may have gone out of their way to accommodate the teen’s feelings. It may simply be that, in their misery, your teen forgot that others have feelings too. Do not let them get away with mistreating you or your spouse or a sibling because they are going through a rough time. It is okay to say, “We care about your feelings, and we expect you to care about ours.”

Helping Teens Who Lack Empathy

If your teen’s problem goes beyond being discourteous, and they truly seem to lack empathy, you have a more serious issue. Lack of empathy will be a problem for your teen as they enter adulthood. Talk to your teen’s therapist and let her know that you want to help with this issue. Ask her what you can do to help at home. Be a role model for empathy. Let your conversation be peppered with comments like:

  • I’m going to take Mrs. Beale to the doctor. She’s too sick to drive.
  • Let’s keep our voices down because Dad worked all night and needs to sleep.
  • I think you may have hurt your sister’s feelings. Apologizing would make her feel better and it would show your maturity.
  • Tell me what you’re feeling, and I’ll try to help.

If your teen has never been very empathetic, it may help to explain that all humans need other people. People who lack empathy do not understand this implicit principle of nature. Explain that when they do something kind, it is a type of insurance that it will come back to them.

 

Facing Your Teen’s Illness / Troubling Issues — Comments Off on Explaining Your Teen’s Illness to Siblings
16
Dec 24

Explaining Your Teen’s Illness to Siblings

Dad-Explains-to-Son.jpg“It is common for siblings to blame themselves for causing the problem.”

When a teen is mentally struggling, it can be difficult to explain the situation to siblings. Unfortunately, if you conceal the problem, they may imagine all sorts of things. Kids know when something is wrong and they deserve to know what is happening.

Depending upon the age of the child, you can give more or less information. Keep in mind that your child will be listening not only to your words, but also to your tone. They will make note of your body language. It’s important to appear in control of the situation. Answer questions honestly and admit if you do not know something. Be prudent about the details you provide. Your youngsters do not need to know that their brother has been cutting; they do need to know that he is angry or depressed and is being treated by professionals.

It is common for siblings to blame themselves for causing the problem. A sibling may say that they pestered their older brother too much and drove him to depression. Expect this possibility and be prepared to explain that this is not the case. If you think it appropriate and fitting, you can say that you initially blamed yourself too, but that now you know it is a sickness.

I recommend that you tell your child that this is a family matter and that if anyone asks him what is wrong with their sibling to simply say that he or she isn’t feeling well. If they are pressed for more information, they should should refer the person to you.

It is easy to exert all your time and energy on a sick child. Sometimes the sibling feels neglected and will begin acting out; for example, experimenting with drugs. Keep in mind the need for family balance. You will not help your depressed teen by neglecting yourself and everyone else in the family. You may, in fact, prolong the illness if you make it the central part of the family. Sometimes a teen will hold onto an illness if they are getting special attention. Bring home a puzzle and a pizza for your younger children after you have visited your older child in the hospital, or take them to the zoo on Saturday. Establishing a sense of normalcy wherever you can will help everybody, including you.

Handling Sibling Resentment
Your other children may resent their ill sibling for the trouble it may seem to be causing the family. It can be helpful to find a brief, written summary of your teen’s illness. A paragraph or two should be enough; try a website such as NAMI’s Mental Health Conditions. Explain before you hand it to the child that your teen’s illness is medical in nature, even though the symptoms are behavior-based.

If your child remains resentful, ask, “How is this affecting you?” Make sure you understand by rephrasing what you hear and asking if you’ve got it right. Do not argue, explain, or defend. Just listen. Encourage your child to say more because often the good stuff is buried and comes later. Say things like, “I’d like to hear more about that.” When you think your child has told you everything, ask, “Is there anything more?” You can also ask what would help to improve matters. Afterward, thank your child for explaining and say that their feelings matter greatly to you. Avoid making promises at this point. Instead, ask for some time to think about what you’ve heard. Give yourself a day to mull it over and try to see things from the sibling’s point of view. Discuss solutions with your spouse. Then address the matter with your child as soon as possible, preferably within a day or two.

Overloading Siblings With Responsibility
I’ll never forget a chilling scene I witnessed at a family therapy session in the hospital. A large family entered the room, including the twin brother of a teen who had just been admitted for a suicide attempt. Everyone seemed worried, especially the brother of the teen. He told us that he wanted to do everything he could to help his brother. His dad pointed out that since he was closer to his brother than anyone, he would play a key role in his recovery. Then the aunt and uncle took turns voicing their encouragement to the boy, the uncle concluding with, “It’s up to you Ryan. You’re going to have to be the one who saves him.”

The boy’s eyes grew huge with fear. It was too much responsibility for a teenager. The therapist came to the rescue and pointed out that the boy’s top priority should be maintaining his schoolwork and his own mental health, and that “saving” his brother should be a priority for the adult family members and the hired professionals.

My husband and I had to resist the temptation to rely on our teenage son when our second child was hospitalized for depression and suicide ideation. Our son had been in the hospital for depression before and we knew he could offer us some insight. On several occasions, we did ask for his opinion and he helped us, but we always let him know that we were the ones responsible for taking care of his sister. (Just a side note: sometimes a sibling sees things that none of the adults do, so when they speak up, listen.)

Holding your family together can feel tricky at a time like this. Just remember that kids are resilient and forgiving. You’re allowed to make mistakes. Apologize, forgive yourself, and move on.

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