Getting Help

Getting Help — Comments Off on Working With Your Teen’s Therapist
28
Dec 25

Working With Your Teen’s Therapist

PartialRecovery“Therapists are often surprised to hear a parent mention details that the teen didn’t happen to share with her. A good therapist will invite you in periodically to describe what is going on at home.”

Do you trust your teen’s therapist? It’s an important question to ask because sometimes parents find it hard to turn so much responsibility over to a stranger. But if you can honestly say that you trust the therapist, try to back away and let her and your teen work alone. She will alert you if they are in danger. This may not give you much comfort. Till now, you’re used to knowing everything that goes on with your child. But let’s face it: did you really? It’s natural for everyone to keep some things private. At least now, your teen is confiding in someone.

I remember a few years ago when my son asked me to increase his appointments from every three weeks to weekly for a while. Somehow, I managed to just nod and not ask why. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I reminded myself that at least he was confiding in a qualified professional. It was a major step forward for me as a parent.

The caveat to giving your child and the therapist privacy, of course, is that if you never participate, the therapist won’t have the whole story. Therapists are often surprised to hear a parent mention details that the teen didn’t happen to share with her. A good therapist will invite you in periodically to describe what is going on at home. If you feel like the next appointment would be a good time to fill her in, simply call ahead and ask for a few minutes at the beginning or the end of the session, or ask her for some time at the appointment. Once you’ve done your bit, excuse yourself by saying something like, “I’ll let you two take it from here.” The therapist needs to help your teen process the meeting.

Try not to put the therapist in the position of settling an argument between you and your teen. She may be able to clarify things for both of you, but she’s unlikely to act as arbiter. If she does point out to you the merits of your teen’s thinking, try not to be offended. Yes, you’re the mom, but it may pay to consider what she has said. Consider too, the fact that she wants to maintain your child’s trust in her. Be assured that her training enables her to incorporate your viewpoint into her treatment approach. So when you come in, try to present your concerns in a specific, factual manner without looking to blame anyone. Your teen will feel so much more comfortable.

After the session, it can be tempting to ask your teen, “What did you and Sally talk about?” A therapy session can be exhausting and your teen may just want to set it aside afterward. You may interpret a grunt to mean that something serious is going on. Try to let it go. Better yet, try not to ask the question at all. If your teen knows that a question-and-answer session will follow the appointment, they may decide it’s easier to withhold information from the therapist than to try and cover up an uncomfortable topic later with mom.

Getting Help / Troubling Issues / Uncategorized — Comments Off on Can Your Therapist Be Wrong?
28
Nov 25

Can Your Therapist Be Wrong?

WhoToTell.jpg.jpg“Once the therapist understands your position, you can both broaden your perspective.”

For many parents, hiring a therapist for their teen is a big step. This is especially true if you’ve never been in therapy yourself. You may not understand how therapy works or you may worry it will be a doorway to new conflicts and resentments. The goal of therapy is to make things better. Sometimes that requires the examination of unpleasant feelings so that they can be resolved. But what if your therapist makes a recommendation that feels flat-out wrong to you?

Your therapist is human and therefore may have missed some factors in making a recommendation. Ask yourself these questions about your therapist:

Does Your Therapist Understand Your Family’s Culture?

If your therapist comes from a different culture or religion, they may not understand certain family norms. Granted, these values may be worth examining and even modifying, but first make sure your therapist understands that they exist. Don’t be afraid to say, “That goes against our family’s beliefs.” On the other hand, be prepared to listen. Maybe some of those beliefs are worth modifying.

Does Your Therapist Understand Your Family’s Economic Restraints?

Therapists may make recommendations that are simply not financially realistic. For example, you may be able to afford your therapist’s recommendation that your teen attend a particular summer camp, but if that would mean no vacation for the rest of the family, it’s not reasonable. Don’t be afraid to say you can’t afford it.

Does Your Therapist Understand Logistical Constraints?

A therapist once recommended that we send our son to a charter school for the arts. It was an hour from home each way and we lived across the street from a nationally-recognized high school. We weren’t even in the charter school’s district, so we would have had to move. Don’t be afraid to say no to an idea that would only create new stress.

Does Your Therapist’s Recommendation Feel Wrong?

Sometimes therapists recommend that parents step back and let their teen do what they want. The hope here is that the teen will develop greater independence and maturity and learn from their mistakes. Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen. Then ask yourself how different that would be from ordinary life. For example, your teen wants to drive across the country with a friend. They could get in a car wreck. How is that different from them driving to their part-time job on the freeway three times a week? On the other hand, if you know your teen’s road partner drives drunk or high, you have a strong argument against the idea.

Tell your teen you want them to try new things and that you need them to work with you to create a plan that is comfortable for you. Often, teens see your “no” as not wanting them to have fun until you explain that you are afraid for their safety. Once they understand that you love and care about them, they can be surprisingly compassionate–and creative about solutions.

Has Your Teen’s Therapist Assumed Too Much Authority?

You hired a professional for a reason. You want that person to be knowledgeable, experienced, and to make a positive difference in your family. But your therapist is not the new head of your family. You do not have to go along with every suggestion. If their suggestions begin to look more like mandates, don’t blindly follow along. Talk about your own feelings. Once the therapist understands your position, you can both broaden your perspective. In the rare case that the therapist is inflexible, it may be time to look for someone new.

 

 

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